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Barney's Fun
(Three years later, an old man by the name of Billy Bones is warning his stories to a group of drinkers) * Billy Bones: Oh, yes, and then...old Flinty up and died before they could get back to that cursed island; and dig up the treasure. * (He stands up as the others look) * Billy Bones: No one knows to this day who has Old Flint's map. Now, isn't that a story worth a hearing? * Link Hogthrob: It was the first dozen times we heard it. * Martin Baker: (grabbing a stein bottle) I'll drink to that. * Billy Bones: But who has the map now, what? Some black-hearted, squid-sucking buccaneer. Or perhaps it's our very own Jim Hawkins. Right, Jimmy? * Jim: If I only had it, my friends and I wouldn't be here serving you rum, Mr. Bones. * Gonzo: That's right. We'd be out searching for that treasure. Sailing the seven seas on a five-year mission; boldly going where no man has gone before! Say, that's catchy. * Rizzo: Huh. Not me. If I had that treasure map, I'd be trading it for a decent meal. (to Billy Bones) Hey, Gonzo, you think he's gonna eat this? * Billy Bones: Aye...beware the one-legged man. He's the one to fear. * Jim: Don't worry, Captain. We'll watch for him. * Rizzo: (sarcastically) Yes, I'll watch for him, if he's delivering a pizza. * (Gonzo and Rizzo laugh as they are both hit by Billy Bones) * Billy Bones: Even old Flinty feared him. * (The others stop as he continues) * Billy Bones: If he comes poking around here, you run for me lickety-split. * Jim: If we see him, we'll warn you. * Gonzo: Yes. One leg, three heads, couple of dozen noses, if anything weird happens-- * (He is caught by the throat as he continues) * Billy Bones: And it'll be nay joking matter, hose nose! The one-legged man brings death. * (Billy Bones lets the weirdo go as he gasps for air. Then, the clock rings as an old woman speaks) * Mrs. Bluveridge: Time, gentlemen. Closing time! You pay your bills, and then you shove off. Go ahead, out you go! You're drunk again, are you? * (The cow is dragged out by Mrs. Bluevridge) * Mrs. Bluveridge: (looks around!) Boys! Look at the state of this place! How come it gets to be such a pigsty, right? * Pigs: Pigsty? Hey, you! * Mrs. Bluveridge: No offense, gentlemen, sirs. No offense meant. * Billy Bones: (getting up) Here's to you, boys! * Mrs. Bluveridge: Time! * (He pays for the drinks as he speaks) * Billy Bones: I'm away to my room. * Jim: (grins) Thank you, Mr. Bones. * Gonzo: Thank you, Bill. * (He nods as the woman hurries the others out) * Mrs. Bluveridge: There you go! Don't forget to come back tomorrow for our lunchtime special. Roast suckling... * (The pigs look confused) * Mrs. Bluveridge: Potatoes, sir. Potatoes. * Pigs: Oh, alright. * Mrs. Bluveridge: No...no offense, madam. No offense. * Laundress: Ha! * (The doors close as Mrs. Bluveridge switches the sign to "closed") * Mrs. Bluveridge: Alright, boys. If you're finished here, you can go and clean up in the kitchen. I left some table scraps in there for your supper. * (She begins to walk upstairs and then remembers something) * Mrs. Bluveridge: Oh, yes, and boys, last night you forgot to put out the lantern. If you forget that again, there'll be no table scraps for a week. * (She walks completely upstairs as they sigh) * (That evening, Gonzo, Rizzo and Jim are trying to hold each other as they try turning off the lantern) * Gonzo: (in pain) You're standing on my ear! (turning it off) Easy. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy, Rizzo! * Rizzo: That's it. Easy does it. * Jim: I hate my life. * Gonzo: I hate your life as well. * Rizzo: If I had a life, I'd hate it. * (He frowns as Jim speaks) * Jim: I should just run off to sea like my father did so. He was my age if he sailed to China as a cabin boy. He wound up a first mate. * Gonzo: (gasping) Run off to sea and just leave everybody? * Jim: (rolls eyes) Who's everybody? I'm an orphan. I have no family. * Gonzo: (pats them) Hey, you have us. * Rizzo: Yes, we're family. Ah, got it. * (Then, as the lantern turns off, the two fall down as Jim sighs while the others help him up) * Jim: I mean, some family we are. Be serious, Rizzo. We don't exactly look alike. * Rizzo: Alright, hold on. Well, I'm a rat and you're a human being and Gonzo's a, uh... * Gonzo: Uh, whatever. * Rizzo: Yes. I mean, we're yet...we're yet family. * Jim: Yes. Yes...but I wish my life were more like one of Captain Bones' adventures; sailing the high seas and searching for buried treasure. * Gonzo: (grins) Yes, discovering lost islands and weird civilizations. * Jim: (takes out a compass) Navigating with my father's old compass to wherever the wind may take us. * Gonzo: (grins) Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians. * Rizzo: Here they go again! * Jim: To the southwest, pirate galleons! * Gonzo: (coming inside with Rizzo) To the southeast, mutli-armed Zanzibanian shark women; and their exploding wigs of death! * Mrs. Bluveridge's Voice: To the northwest, dirty dishes! * Gonzo: How does she do that? * Jim: Might as well start. (takes a dish) I'll wash. * Rizzo: Yes. I'll dry. * Gonzo: I'll break. * (Then, Jim begins singing) * Jim: (sings) I look around here and I want to weep. * Rizzo: Ah, me too. * Gonzo: Yes. * Jim: (singing/looking as he finishes) I feel like the world is passing me by. * Rizzo: Hey, hey, hey! * Gonzo: That is. * (Jim walks out of the kitchen as he continues) * Jim: (singing) And I just can't help but wonder if I'm doomed to wash and dry, and is it a curse I'm under to do it until I die? * Gonzo: Oh, I hope not. * Rizzo: Yes. * Jim: (singing) If I could be an explorer. * Gonzo: Sure you could. * Jim: (singing) Sailing off to distant lands. * Rizzo: Not so fast. * Jim: (singing) Instead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands, my future looks like nowhere that I want to be. * Jim, Gonzo and Rizzo: (singing) There has to be something better, something better. * Jim: (singing) There has to be something better than this for me.